Introduction
These are examples of actual quotes I have heard in my office
and in my observance of life:
A parent said this to me in my office in front of their child
who they wanted me to work with “He’s not doing
his schoolwork and his grades are suffering! He is just plain
lazy and has a bad attitude! If he doesn’t straighten
up, he is not going to amount to anything!”
Coach to a five year old soccer player “David you dummy!!
I told you to kick it with your left foot. You’re using
your right foot! Can’t you do anything right?”
Parent to a child “We got another notice from school
today that you are not doing your assignments! Why can’t
you be like your sister? She always does everything right!
She is such a perfect daughter!”
Father to a fifth grade daughter after receiving her report
card of 5 As and one B “You made another B!! You are
not going to be able to get a good job if you don’t
buckle down! I am so disappointed in you. You will probably
end up on welfare or I will have to support you all your life.”
Parent to son after overhearing him tell another student
how well he did on a test “I heard you bragging to Tim
about the grade you made on your math test. I don’t
want you singing your own praises and telling everybody how
good you are. You are supposed to do math good. I am a math
teacher and I taught you everything! It is not about you being
good.”
I don’t think the typical person knows the devastating
effect comments like the above can have on the self-esteem
of a child (or an adult for that matter). I am sure parents,
coaches or teachers have positive intention when they do this.
They are probably trying to help the child be better, but
the effect is not what they want. Over the years that I have
worked with students and families, I have noticed several
ways that self-esteem can be torn down. They are as follows:
Ways to Tear Down Self-esteem
A. Dwell on or even distort negative attributes or behaviors.
Call them clumsy when they spill something, or make negative
comments about their looks or grades. Really elaborate and
make sure they feel bad about it.
B. Do not pay any attention to positive behaviors or attributes.
If they bring a report card home with two As and two Cs, totally
chew them out for the Cs and don’t even mention the
As.
C. Turn mistakes into personal failures on their part. Mistakes
can be easily corrected; failures go right to the identity
and self-esteem. If they make a bad grade or do poorly on
a recital, the comment “If you don’t do better,
you will never amount to anything” can really hurt deeply
for a long time.
So, a bad grade means they are lazy or not making their bed
means they are irresponsible.
D. Point out another person’s positive qualities and
their lack of the same. “Why can’t you be an A
student like your sister.”
E. Don’t allow them to do anything or to take responsibility
and/or credit for their positive progress or achievements.
Accuse them of bragging if they try to and chew them out for
bragging.
How to Build Self-esteem
When I work with students using my “Rediscover the Joy
of Learning” processes, I sometimes have to repair severely
damaged self-images and self-esteems. Since so many of the
students of the world today have never been taught HOW to
learn and HOW to do the myriad academic tasks which the schools
assign to them, they sometimes do not do the tasks very well
and their grades suffer. So does their self-image and self-esteem.
They tend to take it very personally and assume that something
is wrong with them because they cannot do the tasks. So, even
after I teach them how to learn, I still need ways to re-build
their self-esteem. This article is about the ways that I developed
to do just that. The techniques and processes do not have
to be confined to students; however, they will apply to individuals
of all ages and all levels in all environments.
First some definitions—my dictionary defines self-esteem
as “belief in oneself; self-respect.” It defines
self-image as “an individual’s conception of himself
and his own identity, abilities, worth, etc.” The dictionary
also defines self-concept as the same as self-image. So, the
distinction is very fine. I probably use self-esteem as the
summation at the identity/belief level of all the self-images
an individual has about various aspects of him or her self.
In my opinion, our self-esteem and self-image comes from
getting an answer to the two questions “What kind of
person am I?” and, “What evidence do I have to
support it?” The evidence is what we sense in the world
around us. It is what we see, hear, feel, smell and taste
about ourselves. We then assign meaning to the evidence in
the form of attributes, qualities or characteristics. The
sum of these make up our self-image. The meaning we assign
to the summation is our self-esteem. Different individuals
will assign different attributes to the same evidence. So,
it is all about perception. The nice thing about perception,
especially for those of us who practice Neuro-Linguistic Programming
or NLP, is that it can be changed and formed.
The simplest way to positively affect self-esteem is to notice
when an individual does something very well. You then think
of an attribute of which the behavior is an example. When
you have one that you want to use, you say the following to
the individual: “That behavior lets me know that you
are a (say attribute) kind of person.” So, for example,
let’s suppose that your child studied really hard for
a test and made 100%. The attribute could be chosen from many—hard
working, bright, smart, good student, etc. Let’s use
hard working. The statement would be: “That 100% on
that test lets me know that you are a hard working young man.
Keep up the good work!”
The structure of the process and language is as follows:
1) you are deliberately connecting the attribute of your choice
to evidence that the individual cannot dispute, and 2) you
are attaching your own credibility to the connection. If you
will continue to elaborate on the connection and talk about
the importance of the attribute, it will build the self-esteem
even more. Be careful, however, to not go overboard and be
too effusive or the individual could be turned off. Obviously,
if you don’t have any credibility with the individual,
then it will not work.
One of the creative ways for parents to use this is to think
of the kind of son or daughter they want to parent. Think
in terms of the attributes you want them to embody. Then notice
when they do something to which those attributes can be connected
and deliver the statement. The behaviors can be minor or major.
They can also be behaviors that they DO NOT engage in. For
example, “I have noticed Chris that you do not do drugs
even though they are available to you. That lets me know that
you are growing up to be very responsible for your own behaviors
and health and that you are not just going along with the
crowd. I am very proud of the way you make these responsible
decisions.”
Don’t wait for major behaviors before you do this process.
It has power because of it’s precision. In fact, sometimes
the minor behaviors have more effect because the individual
has discounted them. When you make the connection, you are
alerting them to something they had not thought off and that
always has a surprise effect that adds to the emotional response.
This is especially true for the individuals that aren’t
the stars—the home run hitters and/or the straight A
students. With the students with learning disabilities or
other deficiencies this can have a very powerful effect, because
they rarely get positive feedback. For example, I once had
a teacher give me this report: “I had a student with
Downs Syndrome one time and decided to use this process on
him. After thinking about him for a while, it dawned on me
that he always came into my classroom with a big smile on
his face and would immediately come over to me and give me
a big hug. The next time he came in and did that, I said to
him “You know Doug, I have noticed that you always come
in with a big smile and give me a hug. That lets me know that
you are a very happy and loving person and I really appreciate
that about you. You are very special to me.” The teacher
reported that Doug puffed out his chest and never quit smiling
for the rest of the class. And, every time he saw her in the
future he would smile and give her the hug with the realization
that he was special to her.”
If you have trouble noticing when they do something naturally
that will allow you to make the statement, create something
for them to do and when they do it successfully, make the
statement. For example, I do this during my first visit with
a new student. In the course of my assessment, I have them
spell words backwards (from right to left). They usually have
not tried this before and it is new to them. When they are
successful at it, I will make a comment like “That lets
me know that there is nothing wrong with your brain. I can
make you a star student by teaching you to do things with
your mind. I can help you be the kind of student you have
always wanted to be.”
Another nice thing about this process is it’s lasting
effect. You don’t have to worry about doing it over
and over again. It tends to go straight to the heart and soul
of the person and sticks with them over time. The reason—you
are creating a “personally compelling reference experience”
for them. The properties of a personally compelling reference
experience are as follows:
Properties of a Personally Compelling Reference Experience
A. It relates to their concept of self.
B. It is given in the appropriate representational system.
C. It is given by an external reference with credibility.
D. It has intensity.
E. It is a surprise or a mismatch of the way they had thought
about it before—sometimes called a paradigm shift.
It relates to their concept of self.
Obviously this point is there. You are deliberately making
this connection when you say, “That 100% on that test
lets me know that you are a hardworking young man.”
Looking at it through the logical levels, you are communicating
to at least the Identity Level and you can, in the elaboration,
raise it to the Spiritual/Greater System Level. This would
make it even more compelling. An example of elaboration on
the last example would be: “Your mother, grandparents
and even the teachers in your school have commented before
about how hardworking you are. They really seem to appreciate
that about you and tell me that it is a trait that will serve
you well in the future.”
It is given in the appropriate representational system.
Since you are connecting the attribute to a full sensory experience
that they have just had, they have it represented in all representational
systems. They cannot deny that it did not occur if you are
giving them instant and specific feedback.
It is given by an external reference with credibility.
You are the external reference and hopefully you have credibility.
If in the moment, you think you do not have credibility, wait
until you get it and the timing is right. It is too powerful
an opportunity to lose. An example might be if they are upset
or angry about something else. Wait until they calm down.
It has intensity.
Intensity or emotional response is what makes it compelling
enough to last. You can build intensity in any or all of four
ways: 1. Frequency—if you don’t make another 100%
on a test, for example, then the original experience loses
its intensity. 2. Repetition—the more they repeat something
over time, the better it will drop into long-term memory.
3. Duration—the longer the moment or elaboration, the
more the intensity. If it is a fleeting comment, it doesn’t
have as much of a chance to last. That is why the elaboration
is so important.
4. Strength—the more robust the emotional response,
the more intense it will be. This is how a phobia works and
is an example of a one time learning experience.
It is a surprise or a mismatch of the way they had thought
about it before.
This is the easiest way to build intensity. The more of a
surprise it is, the more it will shock them and make it compelling.
You will get the classic response of “Wow—I have
never thought of it THAT way before.”
As stated previously, the easiest way to build self-esteem
is when the individual does something good or positive. But,
what do we do if somebody behaves poorly? Also, if somebody
has already had a negative attribute attached to a behavior.
Is there a way to disconnect the negative and connect a positive
attribute? The answer to both questions is yes.
Attribute
Behavior Intention
The diagram above will give a more visual manner to demonstrate
what we have been doing. When the behavior is good, we simply
connect the positive attribute to the good behavior by using
the statement. If, however, the behavior is not good, we find
the positive intention behind the behavior and attach the
positive attribute to the positive intention. So, for example,
when my son was still in high school, we had an agreement
that he would come in on time on the nights that he was out
with his friends. Or, if he couldn’t be on time he would
call and give us the reason with a new time (so we wouldn’t
worry about him). He was very dependable and very responsible
in carrying this out. One Friday night, however, he was very
late and we had received no phone call. His mother was up
pacing the floor (I was sleeping). He did not get in until
about 2-3 on Saturday morning. The next morning when he got
up, I inquired about it and asked if we needed to adjust the
agreement. His response was “No Dad, let me tell you
why I couldn’t call. One of my friends had a gun and
was talking about shooting himself and he wanted to talk to
me. I knew that you would not want me to abandon him, so I
stayed with him until I could get him to his home.”
My response was “Thank you, I now understand and I applaud
your choice. Your intentions of wanting to stay with our agreement
and of helping your friend both let me know that you truly
are the highly responsible young man that I have always thought
you were. And, now I know that you can be a good and dependable
friend too. Your buddies are lucky to have a friend like you.”
Before you proceed with the above strategy, it is important
for you to decide if the poor behavior was a mistake on their
part based on what they thought was going on, or, was it an
extraordinary or unexpected occurrence. If it was the latter,
find the positive intention behind what they thought was going
on and deliver the statement connecting the positive attribute
to the positive intention. If it was a mistake, say something
like, “We all make mistakes and we can learn from them
so we won’t keep repeating the mistakes. How can you
behave differently in the future?” Now find the positive
intention behind the new behavior and their willingness to
learn from their mistakes and connect positive attributes
to them in your follow up comments.
If the bad behavior is ongoing and repetitive (like not doing
homework, or continually hitting little sister, etc.), you
say something like the following: “That behavior is
not representative of the kind of person that I think you
are. I think you are the kind of person that (state several
positive attributes). Am I mistaken?” When you get agreement,
say, “Well, now that we agree on the kind of person
you are, what behaviors would that kind of person engage in,
in this situation.” When they give you some better behaviors,
you can now connect the new behaviors to even more positive
attributes. If you will now have them future pace the new
behaviors and have them experience what it would be like to
act like that in the future, it will go a long way toward
helping them change their old behaviors. This particular situation
really demands HIGH credibility on your part. They have got
to care what you think and feel about them.
Many times I will have students come in and negative attributes
will have already been attached to certain behaviors. For
example, parents will sometimes label their children as lazy
or having a bad attitude or stupid because they are doing
poorly in school. The way to unhook the negative attribute
and attach positive attributes is as follows: Think of a counter
example to the negative attribute that you can generate and
then connect the counter example to a positive attribute.
For example, let’s suppose the parent has just said
that their child was not very bright, maybe even dumb. When
I have the child spell a word backwards and he or she does
it successfully, I will say “That lets me know that
there is nothing wrong with your mind and you certainly are
not dumb. Spelling that word backwards lets me know that I
can teach you how to learn so that you can be as smart and
successful in school as you want. In the past you haven’t
been able to do well in school because our schools failed
to teach you HOW to learn. You did the best you could but
some of the learning strategies you tried just aren’t
very efficient or effective. Now I am going to teach you HOW
to learn.”
Summary
“What kind of person am I?” Because we human beings
have this prevailing question going on in the back of our
mind at all times, we are vulnerable to chance comments around
us. If we have a strong self-esteem, we can filter these comments
out, evaluate them, and discard them as invalid. However,
when a person is young and still malleable, they cannot do
this as easily. If we, the parents, teachers and other adults
around them will intentionally mold self-esteems for the better
of the young person by using these techniques, we can go a
long ways toward making the world a better place. We will
be positively affecting the lives of the young people around
us. What a magnificent goal and vision for us to have.
About the Author
Don A. Blackerby, Ph.D. is a former math teacher and college dean and founded SUCCESS SKILLS in 1981 in order to focus on using NLP in helping struggling students in school. In 1996, he wrote a book “Rediscover the Joy of Learning” in which he describes his NLP based strategies and processes on
how he helps struggling students including those who have been diagnosed with Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD). Don is not a psychologist, psychiatrist, or medical doctor, he is an educator who is certified in Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP) and practices as a Personal Development and Academic Coach. On a spiritual path he is an ordained minister and registered in the State
of Oklahoma. He may be contacted in various ways. His address and phone numbers are: SUCCESS SKILLS, 1517 Walnut Cove Road, Edmond, OK 73013, USA. His phone number is 1-405-330-0164. His fax is 1-405-330-0167. His E-mail is info@nlpok.com . He also has a web site: www.nlpok.com . |
